I think I've looked through too many lolita clothes sites and too many pics of Regina and Elise' trips to San Francisco. I kinda wish I could get a job in a lolita clothes store, selling cute clothes, wearing cute clothes every day. It would just be so...fun and cute. But it really makes me wonder, how on earth do you get a job like that? You don't really go to school for that. And truth be told, I know it isn't a stable job, I mean, once I turn old and wrinkly, I doubt they'd want me there, and then what?

I've always been lost whenever it came to choosing what I want to be in life. People tell you that you only have one life to live so you should live it to the fullest. But how can you, if you don't even know what you want?

Back in high school, I wanted to study pharmacy because my dad said it paid a lot. I liked science and I liked helping people, so I figured, sure why not? Then I took organic chemistry, failed it, and pharmacy wasn't the right path for me after all.

So I took an introduction to journalism class. My professor told me that I had talent, so of course, I'm like sure why not give it a try? At that community college, I did have an ego now that I think about it. I was given the editor's position, but truth be told, the newspaper wasn't that great. It was like a high school newspaper. It was kinda sad. And then I transferred to a university where they have a more professional newspaper and well I hate it. I don't write for it and well I don't even want to be part of it. Heck, when I'm assigned story assignments in class, I don't even want to write them half the time. So in a way, I'm starting to doubt whether or not journalism is what I want.

I really don't know what I want to do in the future and it does scare me. I am glad though that I have the experiences of things that I don't like so that it cuts down things for me to try. But I don't know what to do next. For now, I just plan to graduate with my Bachelor's Degree in journalism and hopefully get a job in a magazine and somehow land a "gig," as muscians call it. See if I can find something else within that job that interests me and hopefully from there, life would be a bit clearer. Seems like a smooth plan and idea, but will it really work? I don't know. So many things left unknown.

But I do have to say that I am regretting not going to fashion school. I think it's mainly because I just recently started learning how to sew and I love it. It calms my mind down while irritating and discouarging me at times. But I enjoy it. I was swayed from thinking about going to fahsion school because my aunt had stopped me. Saying that I won't make much money if I'm not creative enough. And I'm not, I do have to admit that. Creativity and me do not go hand-in-hand. So that scared me and I gave it up. I kind of wished that I stopped that. Getting scared and giving up. Moments like these, I wish I could turn back time and change things, but as we see from most time traveling movies, everything else is affected and who knows what'll happen to my life.

I'm only 22 years old and I'm having these problems already. Gee, I wonder how big my problems will get when I'm 55 or something.

I think I'm feeling regret because the people surrounding me all seem so happy and content with what they're doing. I wish I could have that feeling. And I want to know when I will be able to feel it, because it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry, knowing that I can't experience something like that.

I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone ever do?

so i decided to clean one of my shelves tonight. i found an autograph book from 2001, back when I was an 8th grader. I opened it up and looked through. I laughed, squealed, grossed out, and remembered some funny times back in middle school. I remember getting chased around by this really tall guy back in 8th grade. I didn't like him nor could care less about his existence really. @__@ and well I guess that's the main reason why he would chase me around, at banquet (which was kinda like prom now that I think about it) he got a picture with me, and in the autograph book he wrote: "we are gonna get married, luv matt." I remember how he was the new kid and well in Milltown, there's not that many really. And to the puberty-hit females of my grade....most of them had a thing for him. And well, I didn't. There was really nothing attractive about him..>_> he was like a tall, tall ape. His ears were HUGE and he had his head kinda shaved. lol.

When I saw his message in my autograph book, I was like WTF! and texted my bff, anum. She laughed and said it was random. Then I read what she wrote in the autograph book..lol it also had something to do with getting married with him. what a jerk XD

But yeah, good thing he doesn't remember me at all now. =D or at least I "disappeared" from his life, thank goodness. Definitely did NOT want to spend a lifetime with that freak of nature. D:

I also saw how a lot of people complimented me in my drawing. Looking back...I didn't know how to draw that well really lol. They gave me too much credit. I think I realized that when I went to high school and college. After seeing my fellow classmates and other people's works, I realized that I was no where near them. I couldn't draw anything that was non-Anime. My portraits had anime-like features and my still-life didn't quite look real. Even though I aced my art class in college, it wasn't much of a challenge anymore. I was in a beginner's class because I had to take an art class and I couldn't have taken a higher one without taking that class. Then after that class, there was really no need for me to take anymore art classes. In that class, the other students complimented my work as well...but there really isn't much to compliment about to be honest.

So I find it funny and somewhat sad how people remembered me back then because of art. That was my identity at that time, but now, it no longer is part of my identity.

Moments like these, I really want to ask...who am I? What is my purpose in life? When will I find the thing that makes me feel so passionate?

Being a human can be tough, sometimes I wish I wasn't so I wouldn't have to deal with these problems. But oh well, it's too late. I'm already human. =]